Taming Temper Tantrums

Temper tantrums. We all have them. Don’t pretend you don’t, I know I do. When my 4 year old daughter has delayed bedtime for what feels like the 500th time I just might snap at her. Do I start to cry and drop to the floor? Not usually. 😉 But if I dare pass her the blue sweater when she wants the pink sweater she just might.

While the reactions are different, the process is essentially the same. Something has triggered us, for some reason, and we react with the primal part of our brain. This means we are reacting completely out of emotion, not logic. So whether I’m snapping because I’m frustrated at a delayed bedtime or she’s crying because she’s frustrated that her pink sweater is in the wash, we’re actually expressing the same emotion in the way we feel able to in that moment.

So then what do we do?

It’s so easy to minimize the feelings and use logic in these moments. Example: “Your pink sweater is in the wash, there’s nothing wrong with the blue one, it’s exactly the same, just calm down, it’s not a big deal.” I don’t know about you, but usually when I do this I get a whole lot more crying. She doesn’t care about anything but that pink sweater.

Let’s go back to me. Once I get my daughter in bed I’ll probably vent to my husband that she was so difficult. This could go one of two ways. The first would involve my husband doing the same thing to me that I did with the sweater situation. Example: “Why would you snap at her? She was just being a kid. Why don’t you relax? It’s not a big deal.” Then what will I do? Probably snap at my husband for not being helpful.

As you can see we’ve gotten nowhere.

So what do we do instead?

How about we try empathy. When my husband tries empathy he might say this instead: “She has been difficult lately. I know what you mean. Parenting is hard sometimes. I snap at her too. It’s okay to feel frustrated. We all make mistakes.” Now think about that for a second. How do you feel reading that? I feel all warm and fuzzy. I might give him a hug and thank him for being so supportive.

Now back to the sweater. I could say this: “You love that pink sweater. It is so cozy and comfy. You’re feeling frustrated that it’s in the washing machine. You miss your sweater and you’re sad.” Couple this with cuddles and we have a winning combination. She keeps crying but she starts to calm down. Then, when she’s calmed down, she gets a choice: “You have two clean sweaters, the blue one and the grey one. Which would you like to wear today?” While she might still be pouty or sad for a little while, that’s okay. While it might seem silly to us, for her that pink sweater is important, and it’s important that she knows that she can express her feelings.

While it’s not a magic cure, I’ve found empathy to be beyond helpful in all of my relationships. Give it a try and see if you can help to tame some tantrums.

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