The Importance of Expressing Feelings
Ah feelings. They come and they go. Sometimes like a soft breeze and sometimes like violent crashing waves. We’ve all got them, but we all understand and express them differently. Some of us are highly emotional people (hi there! That’s me!) and some of us are more logical. Regardless of our personality, it is still extremely important to express emotions. Here’s why:
Feelings are often telling us something important.
Picture this: Jim and Joe are brothers, and they’re playing with blocks. They both go for the same block, and Jim pushes Joe’s hand away grabbing the block. Joe feels angry.
Another example: Shelly is up for a promotion but her colleague with less experience got the job. She believes that she was more qualified and is angry that she didn’t get the job.
In both of these examples it makes sense that Joe and Shelly would feel angry. This anger is telling them that the situation is unfair.
Being able to identify feelings is the first step to understanding and learning how to cope with them.
If Joe has had practice and support talking about feelings, he might be able to use a successful strategy to manage this feeling. This might include asking a parent for help, expressing with words to his brother that he is angry, or taking a deep breath and walking away. If Joe has not had practice and support talking about feelings, it is unlikely that he will experience success managing the emotion. He might act out in retaliation by yelling or hitting or withdraw into himself, letting his brother get away with the behaviour but continuing to feel badly about it.
The same goes for Shelly. If she’s a fairly regulated adult she will think through her options and might decide to talk to her boss and ask for feedback. She might decide to use her own personal strategies to cope with the disappointment and think about other opportunities that might come up. If she is not a very regulated adult, she might begin to gossip with others about why she thinks she didn’t get the job, confront the boss aggressively, or begin to feel depressed and negatively about herself, telling herself she is a failure.
Ignoring feelings doesn’t make them go away. It just makes other problems come up.
When we ignore feelings and don’t try to understand and validate them, they tend to pile up. There is definitely a time and a place for putting feelings aside, but doing this ongoingly will not do us any favours. Challenges tend to emerge in two ways:
Externalized behaviour including physical and verbal aggression, social difficulties, problems with the law and drugs, etc. These people tend to get into trouble more often than others.
Internalized behaviour including withdrawing and negative thinking about themselves. These people tend to be more anxious, depressed, and have lower self-esteem.
Practice makes perfect.
Well not actually. No one is perfect at managing their feelings, but practicing definitely helps. Kids won’t learn how to identify, express, and cope with their feelings unless they have positive role models who show them how to talk about feelings effectively and help them to problem solve when their reactions are less than ideal. Adults can improve by learning how to better understand their feelings and try out different ways to respond.
Regardless of where you and your family are in the journey of exploring feelings, I can help! Reach out to book a free consultation to discuss whether my services might be a good fit for you.