Parent Counselling 101
You’re at your wit’s end. You feel like things keep getting worse and don’t know what else to do, so you look for counselling for your child. It might be anxiety, it might be anger, it might be difficulty focusing. Regardless of the problem here’s the truth: If your child is in counselling on their own, and you aren’t a part of it, it probably won’t stick. “But I’m not the one struggling,” you say. “They’re the ones that need counselling, not me.” Here’s some of the reasons why you might want to reconsider.
No one wants to or should be made to feel like the problem.
I’ve seen it plenty of times before. Little Mohammad has been brought to therapy and doesn’t know what’s going on. When his mom tells him that it’s to help with his anger, he shuts down. “Oh, we’re here to talk about what a bad kid I am,” he thinks to himself. When I tell him that my job is to help families to figure out what’s going well and what’s not going so well, and to work towards having more good times together, he loosens up. “Ok, it’s not just about me,” he thinks. No one likes being the target, and the truth is that even if it feels like the child is the problem, there’s probably other things going on that contribute to the difficulties.
There’s probably more to it than what’s on the surface.
It might look like anger, and sure, he could do some counselling to learn ways to cope with the anger, but why is that anger there? Is it because his parents are harsh with him, so he’s learned to be harsh with others? Is it because he is bullied at school and takes it out on the safe people at home? Is it because he’s experiencing a lot of change and doesn’t know how to appropriately express his emotion? There are endless possibilities, and if we don’t figure out why there’s a problem in the first place then any treatment for the child is unlikely to stick. It’s by working with the trusted adults that we can begin to figure out the causes of the problems and work to solve those, rather than the surface level issue.
It’s really hard to get therapy to work on people who don’t want therapy.
Sometimes despite all of our efforts to engage the child, he or she just really does not want to come to therapy. Maybe they don’t see the value, maybe it makes them feel like they’re the problem, maybe they’re just not ready to open up to someone. When this happens, it can often be helpful to work with the parents to make adjustments at home that can trickle down to the child. For example, if we discover that Mohammad’s anger seems connected to bullying, we might work on increasing communication about feelings at home, or we might consider organizing a meeting with school staff. Both of these approaches could help Mohammad, even without any of his direct involvement in therapy.
You spend a lot more time with your child than I ever will.
If I can work with you to make meaningful changes to your outlook, perspective, strategies, or approaches, then you can keep working with your child daily. Without your involvement there would be much fewer opportunities to practice new skills. You also get the opportunity to practice skills in real life when problems emerge, which doesn’t happen as often during a counselling session. People learn best with support and regular reminders, especially children. You are their best role model and teacher.
As you can see, there are many good reasons for engaging in parent counselling, and even when children and youth are engaged in therapy, I almost always suggest parent sessions alongside child sessions. If you’re interested in discussing parent counselling and exploring whether this might be a fit for you, please reach out to book a free initial consultation.