Praise and Positive Attention: Strategies to Help Deal with Children’s Challenging Behaviour

If you’re a parent, you’ve been there. Your kid just isn’t listening. Maybe he’s not doing the chore you asked him to do. Maybe she’s having a hard time keeping her hands to herself. It happens all the time, and it’s totally normal, but is it ever frustrating! Praise and positive attention are two related strategies that can help to curb the challenges and get things feeling more positive again.

Praise

Who doesn’t like being pat on the back every once in awhile? Whether it’s being recognized for your efforts at work by your boss, or being told that you make the very best lasagna, we love positive recognition. Not only do we love it, when we get none of it we feel it. If you’re working hard at your job and never get any credit, that might weigh on you. If you put love and care into every meal you make for your family and get no thanks, you might feel resentful. Kids aren’t any different. If it seems like they’re always getting into trouble and you feel like you have nothing good to say, there’s a good chance that kid feels bad about themself. That’s why it’s so important to look for the positive moments and highlight them.

“You did such a good job putting your shoes away when you got home. I appreciate it when you pick up after yourself.”

“You were so gentle with your little sister. I love to see you playing together nicely.”

Noticing those positive moments and highlighting them helps your child to feel good about what they are doing, and more likely to repeat that positive behaviour in the future.

Positive attention

Sometimes kids misbehave because it gives them a reaction. No, it’s not a positive reaction, but it’s something. And if kids feel like they’re not getting enough positive attention they’ll often be willing to take whatever they can get. Some people call this attention-seeking, but I prefer to call it attachment-seeking. People want to feel connected to one another. Children are biologically wired to attach to their caregivers, so it’s very important for adults to carve out that special time together.

So what does this look like? Truthfully it can look however you want it to look. For some families it might be cooking together, for other families it might be 15-minutes of dedicated child-led play time. It might be daily, it might be every couple of days whenever you can fit it around your busy schedule. The key is to ensure that you and your child are enjoying a positive experience together. When kids feel connected and attended to, they’re less likely to act out.

Is there a such thing as too much praise?

I’ve been asked this question so many times, and can understand the concern that parents have. If I keep praising, will my child become entitled? Will she always need praise to feel motivated? The truth is that it’s complex, and balance is important. Here’s some ways to frame praise to prevent it from contributing to problems:

·       Focus praise on the areas that your child is struggling in, noticing when they do something that they don’t always do. Avoid praising excessively, especially small things that are not a challenge for your child and would be expected at their developmental level.

·       Ensure that praise is genuine and accurate, and not false or exaggerated. Try saying, “I love that you used so many colours in your painting,” rather than saying, “this is the best painting I have ever seen!”

·       Use specific praise that highlights exactly what you like about what your child did. For example, you can say, “I like how much effort you put into your homework,” rather than, “good job.”

Generally, if the praise that you provide is genuine, specific, true, and tailored to your child’s strengths and needs, then it’s likely the helpful type of praise. Kids need to hear appropriate praise from the adults around them in order to eventually learn how to praise others, and ultimately praise themselves, resulting in good self-esteem.

What about too much positive attention?

Positive attention can’t really be done too much, unless you’re not really engaged positively. In order to prevent it from backfiring, try to follow these guides:

·       Make sure it’s child-led play and try not to control the play. If you keep rearranging the block tower because you think he’s doing it wrong, he might end up feeling undermined and frustrated.

·       Try to avoid negative talk. Don’t bring up the misbehaviour from earlier and focus on the positive things instead.

·       Ensure you’re really paying attention. If you’re checking email or staring into space then you’re not really engaged, and your child will likely notice.

When you genuinely connect with your child, your relationship is strengthened and your child will have less reason to act out.

If you are interested in learning more about these strategies or other ways to help manage challenges with your child or youth, please reach out and book a free consultation.