Helping Your Anxious Child Face Their Fears
If your family is anything like mine, we’ve gotten pretty comfortable at home over the past few months. We have adapted to stay at home orders, finding activities to do around the house and spending lots of time outdoors. We’ve been lucky that our four-year-old daughter hasn’t been too bothered by the impacts of COVID. She has enjoyed the family time and is more of the shy, introverted type so she has been quite happy.
When we talked to her about starting soccer she seemed excited, but things changed once she got there. Being with a group of kids she didn’t know, following directions from coaches she didn’t know, trying new things, and all of this on top of having not done any of this for as long as she could remember was too much for her. She burst into tears and declared that she doesn’t like soccer. She sat on my husband’s lap for the rest of the lesson.
These types of scenarios aren’t uncommon for children, especially the more anxious and sensitive types, but they are likely to be even more common due to the impacts of COVID. Joining a sports team, returning to school, or going to a birthday party could quickly pave the way for a meltdown. Here are some ways we can support kids to face their fears.
Plan ahead
If you know that your child is likely to struggle, do your best to prepare them ahead of time. Talk about what they’re going to be doing, where you will be, how long they will be there – anything that might help them visualize what’s going to happen. If your child begins to react negatively, this gives you a chance to work through some of the feelings ahead of time, hopefully averting a meltdown when it’s time to face the scary thing.
Don’t give in
No parent wants to see their child struggle. I’ll admit that when I saw my daughter crying, there was a part of me that wanted to give in and let her skip soccer to end her pain. But I knew this wouldn’t help her. All it would do is teach her that if something is hard it’s okay to give up. So we talked to her about how it is important to follow through when we make a commitment, how hard and scary things get easier when we practice them.
Talk about feelings
When we asked my daughter how she was feeling and what happened, she responded that she didn’t like the coach and doesn’t like soccer. Is that really why she was crying? Unlikely. It’s more likely that she was feeling scared, overwhelmed, nervous, or anxious. Since she’s too young to be able to articulate this, we did it for her. We talked about how this is new, and new things can be hard. We talked about how it’s okay to be scared. We talked about how you can be scared and brave at the same time. The more we model this for her, the quicker she will develop the skill of being able to notice and label her own feelings.
Problem-solve together
When we invited our daughter to consider what might make soccer easier, she was able to agree that if she was with a different coach she would go. By involving her in this problem-solving, she had some investment in the plan and was more willing to cooperate. It also teaches her the skill of working through a problem, rather than expecting that an adult will always have the solution.
Provide praise and encouragement
We’ve now had three weeks of soccer, and while it’s not perfect, there’s been progress. My daughter cried at the start of week 2, but with encouragement from me and the coach, she tried a couple of the drills and then joined the free play. I praised her for being brave and trying different parts. Week 3 there were no tears, but still a lot of hesitation to join in. With a little more encouragement she went out and tried all of the drills, then stayed out for the entire free play. Was she out there the whole time? No. Did she make significant progress? Yes! I could choose to focus on what she’s not doing, or instead I could focus on what she is doing well, and praise her for taking these risks even though they’re scary.
Avoid threats and punishments
If your child is feeling anxious or overwhelmed, threats and punishments don’t help them learn to work through those feelings. While they may comply, it’s unlikely that they’re doing so because they feel confident, brave, or proud of the progress they’re making. When we support our kids by planning, talking, and problem-solving together, we are teaching them valuable skills that will last a lifetime.
While I used my four-year-old for the example, these strategies can be useful for any age. If you are interested in learning more about how to support your anxious child, contact me to book a free 15-minute consultation.