The Struggle of Being a Modern Woman: Coping by Recognizing our Values
Life can be so hard for women. There are so many competing social narratives and expectations that it can feel completely overwhelming to just exist as a woman. There’s often a pressure to try to do everything “right,” but it’s as if the goal post is always moving, and completely unattainable. It is not uncommon to find ourselves juggling so many different balls that we end up feeling like we’re not really doing anything well enough, or even that it means we’re not good enough as a person.
The monologue from the Barbie Movie (2023) really hit home for me:
It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.
You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.
But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.
You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don't even know.
The thing that really gets me is that I can think of so many other things that are expected of women that this monologue doesn’t even capture! It’s just so much.
So what do we do about this? Aside from creating an entirely feminist society with no patriarchal influence (which unfortunately might be slightly unrealistic), what I find helps is looking inward. The world tries to tell us that all of these things are important, but the truth is that most of it really isn’t all that important. And it’s impossible to give 100% to 30 different values. So what are your true values? At the end of the day what makes you happy? What fulfills you? What drives you?
Here are some examples of values to get you thinking:
What we each value is highly personal and there’s no right or wrong. I think the key is to identify which are your true, core values, and which have been imposed on you, or are taking up more space in your life than you’d like them to. Once you identify the top few values, take a look at where you’re spending your time and energy. Does your life align with your values? Is there anything that can shift? What can you make more space for or let go of? It’s not an easy task, but by beginning to focus this way we can start to shift our experience, and feel more empowered.
Sometimes self-reflection is enough, and sometimes more support can be beneficial. If you are interested in exploring your values more deeply, please reach out for an initial consultation.