Parenting from a Family-centered Perspective
When I became a mom, my whole world changed. I didn’t expect to feel so confused, so overwhelmed, and so uncertain. At the time a lot of pressure came from this idea that I needed to do everything right for my baby. I needed to put her first, and do everything to care for her the right way. Looking back now, I see how wildly unrealistic this expectation was. I basically assumed that I should know how to do everything perfectly for my child, and that if I were a good mom I would put my own needs aside to give her everything she needs. For me, this thinking plus some challenging experiences became a recipe for disaster, and I found myself falling deep into the hole that was postpartum depression.
A lot of this mess comes from this idea that moms need to be martyrs. Society paints this picture of the good mom always putting the kids first, never taking care of herself, but also loving motherhood. It’s completely unhelpful and puts unnecessary pressure on new parents who already have so much on their plates. Even though I know this kind of thinking is ridiculous, I still find myself falling into it and putting ridiculous pressure on myself. But it doesn’t work. And there’s a better way.
How about instead of being so child-focused we make an effort to be more family-focused? Instead of planning the summer around activities that will be fun for the kids, build in some fun for parents too. Say no to extracurricular programs because you just can’t juggle five nights of activities. Swap childcare duties with your partner or a friend so that you can each get some alone time to get a massage, or see a movie, or just sit and do nothing. Really it doesn’t matter what you do, what matters is changing the perspective to recognize that everyone in the family has needs, and everyone’s needs are equally important. Not everyone can always have their needs met, and it’s okay for us to take turns and respect parents’ needs as much as kids’ needs.
It's one thing to realize this makes sense. It’s another thing to actually believe it and stay on track with this approach. I often find myself falling back into the old habit of putting my kids first, and when I notice I’m feeling stressed, or resentful, or frustrated, I take a step back and think about what my needs are, and how I can make those a priority. Because we matter too. And when we’re feeling good, things go better for us and our families too.
If this resonates and you’re hoping for some help to make the change to a more family-focused perspective, reach out for a free 15-minute consultation.