Coping With the Holiday Mental Load
It’s December 9, and Christmas is just over two weeks away. Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, I suspect there is likely some kind of holiday gathering coming up over the next few weeks for most people. While it can be joyous and exciting to prepare for the holidays, it can also be stressful. I have grappled with how to manage the mental load for years. There’s always so much on the to do list. Buying and wrapping gifts, decorating, cleaning, cooking, planning, organizing, communicating with extended family, and more! It’s a lot at the best of times, and then when we have the added pressure of making the perfect holiday experience for our kids, it can become very overwhelming. I’ve had plenty of edgy, snappy moments with my husband and my kids as I’ve felt like time is running out and I have too much to do. It’s such a common experience, but it doesn’t need to stay that way. Here’s some suggestions for how to approach the holidays and the mental load differently.
Plan Ahead
I know, so simple, so cliché, but planning is basically a survival mechanism for me. I make a to do list and plan what can be tackled when. I try to do as much as I can ahead of time so it lightens the load when we’re creeping up to the last few days before Christmas. If I’m prepared, I feel more in control, and that helps to lessen that out of control, overwhelmed feeling that can come.
Check Your Values
Sometimes we can get caught up in the spirit of the holiday season and begin to create an image of what the perfect experience will look like. I used to become very frustrated when things didn’t go the way that I envisioned. But let’s be honest – there’s tons we can’t control, and when you have little kids, it’s almost certainly going to be a bit messy. I find it can be easier to let go when we have a good sense of what we value, and what is really most important when we think about what will make a happy holiday. Is it watching your kids’ faces light up as they experience the magic of Christmas? Is it lighting the candles on the Menorah together as a family? Is it sitting around a big table with your extended family? I can guess it’s probably not opening tons of presents, or being praised as the best cook. Those things might feel important when we don’t really stop to think, but if we can evaluate the real meaning for us, then it can be easier to let go of some of the smaller things.
Elicit Support
It can be hard to ask for help, and sometimes when we ask things aren’t done the way we want or with the same enthusiasm, which can be hard to cope with. While I do like things done a certain way, I also know that doing it all myself is impossible. So when I talk to my husband about putting up lights or wrapping presents, I go in with the intention of being okay with however it ends up looking, even if it’s not “perfect.” Because at the end of the day I’m the only one who cares if the paper is neatly folded around the present, and all anyone else will care about is ripping the paper apart to see what’s underneath. Those aren’t the parts of Christmas that I value most, so I can safely delegate those and let them go.
Be Present and Look at the Big Picture
Easier said than done, I know, but I’ve found that focusing on the present moment and really paying attention to all the small glimmers of light can really help. If my daughter’s hair looks like a rat’s nest but she has a giant smile on her face as she’s looking in her stocking on Christmas morning, I’m going to try my best to soak up that joy. If I’m worried about whether I’ll have time to get all the sides ready for dinner, I’ll miss out on the fun the kids are having. At the end of the day, being present with one another and putting aside anything not pressing is the best thing we can do for ourselves and our families.
None of this is easy! Sometimes we have the best intentions but our habits are strongly set in, and they can be very difficult to shift. Know you’re not alone, and talking it through and problem solving together can help.